Passionate Dreams…

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She awoke from the typical dream that occurred every other night. Feeling the soft smile on her face, she tried to break her mind away from the usual thoughts that followed her repeating dreams. It is always such a rush of emotions that burn through her soul. Who is the person that overtakes her sleep, causing a sense of pain and passion all wrapped together so tightly? His eyes are as crystal blue as the water flowing throughout the Maldives of Sri Lanka, with a molded body and flawless complexion; he was as close to perfection like a character in a novel. It was no matter though; it is only a dream. A dream that keeps playing over and over as if were a broken record.

This mystery man appears to be like a few select men she has known in the past; no one that she has ever known more than a friend, but definitely a blend of personalities and features from those of the past. What is it that is triggering these feelings? Chills overtake her body as she tries to put the pieces together, yet nothing seems to make sense. Remnants of Foreigner play throughout her mind, suddenly crippling her memories as if something were actually starting to fall together. Still nothing.

It was time for her to put up the thoughts and prepare for the day ahead. It was so hard for her to make it through a day without playing the dreams over and over in her mind. It felt like an out of body experience. It is a feeling that she never wanted to let go of. It wasn’t even real. Life has been so stressful lately, maybe this was an escape; like reading a novel that you can’t take yourself away from. The thing is, she can feel his soft touch and passionate way he holds her in his arms as if her were really there, right by her side. Welling up with tears, she tore herself away from the fantasy and faced reality once again. Ugh, reality. The one place she didn’t want to be 

What was it that caused her to dread her daily life so badly? She has yet to discover the answers to that question. Maybe it is the fact that for her entire life she has been always felt so inferior, like she doesn’t even exist. Yet, there is this one person, although a creative image, that makes her feel whole and beautiful on the inside and out.  Just the thought causes her heart to skip a beat. However, once the reality really kicks in, she realizes that there is such an empty space in her life. There are so many pieces that need to be picked up and placed into their proper places. All she wants is to have that someone to help piece herself back together 

Broken. Is this how it will always be? A broken girl with a broken heart, left to be alone? She silently hurts beneath the smile she manages to put on each day she has to face a crowd. The one motivation is the thought of meeting up with the only one who makes her feel so special, maybe only in her dreams, but it is definitely happiness nonetheless. No one has to know. It will remain her special secret. It will be the alternate life she lives after she closes her eyes for the night. The peacefulness of the escape makes her feel so alive inside, with a mended heart and something to look forward to. In the dreams it never rains, the sun and stars shine so brightly that they could almost burn the eyes. There is nothing like it. Of course there is nothing like it; it is all a dream. The best thing about it… it is hers.

She stops at her usual eatery, patiently waiting on her usual dinner. The only thought on her mind is how badly she wants to go home. She looks around at the various people in the restaurant and is suddenly struck with the curiosity of their stories. Everyone has a story, right? She sure does. However, it is one that she prefers not to tell. After a bit of waiting her order is finally prepared and she can head home. 

It was a dreary wintry day, the daylight has already turned into darkness and her depression begins to kick in. She felt so disconnected from her surroundings. This was not unusual. The weather fit her mood pretty well. Dark and dreary… That is the norm.

Another day down and it is now time to prepare for what she hopes will be another night of bliss. Yea, it may sound crazy, but what is one if there is not a little bit of crazy in their life? Normalcy can become so boring. At least that is what she thinks.  Sometimes it is but a dream that can produce the most amazing realities. Her one hope is that this particular dream may turn into a reality. Until then, she will hold on to what makes her smile, even if it is a reoccurring dream that doesn’t make much sense. It makes enough sense to her and that is what keeps her going.

Before she closed her eyes she remembered a quote that one of her beloved mentors used to tell her… “Don’t worry your pretty little mind. People throw rocks at things that shine…”

This is true. Her day will come. All in good time, it will come.

She drifted off to a hazy slumber and there he suddenly appeared, his icy blue eyes and comforting smile, with his arms stretched out waiting to embrace her ever so gently. 

“Hello beautiful…how was your day?” 

It’s complete now…

End.

 

 

 

 

Where Am I Headed?

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I don’t know what I believe in anymore. My pathway through life has been all but assuring. Just when I think I know what I want and all seems to be falling into place, a wedge is placed somewhere between the contentment and doubt.  It usually leaves me hanging on the doubting side. Here I am, once again, being faced with more doubt. It is currently leaking into all areas of my life. For the last three years, I thought I was getting it all figured out; love life was good, work was stable and financially satisfying, friendships, well, friends haven’t exactly been on my to-do list. I like to say that I have acquaintances.  Hey, I’m generally pretty busy; therefore, justifying my inability to gain a healthy friendship.  I don’t know, I just thought that I was on my way to something. What? I was unsure of that, but life was stable.

In a blink of an eye, however, my entire world was flipped around.

I’m not saying that the worst has come about; it’s been more scenarios of shell shock. As I sit here thinking back on the last two months, I can’t help but ask myself “It this it?” Has the opportunity just gone away? The opportunity to grow, to accomplish the things I’ve always desired. At night, when I lay in bed, I think back to the person that I used to be, to how things used to be. I remember being a teenager, always wishing my life away. Oh, it would be so great to be an adult, to do my own thing and live the life I want to live. Well, it most definitely does not come easy. In fact, I am still searching for that person I want to be. Yea, I did manage to get married and have established myself to a certain extent. I have been in finance for eight years, but I am still trying to find my way. I wish there were a GPS for life. The only thing you would need to do is put in where you want to be and it would guide you there. It would also be nice to select the shortest route too.

I don’t like moping around feeling sorry for myself. In fact, I am not having a pity party, but rather reflecting back on some of the decisions that I have made. If I would have chosen to go a different direction, I may not be in this position. Or, I may be. We have no way of knowing what lies ahead. Maybe we are better off not knowing what is in store for us.

We are officially on the countdown to Christmas and last week my hours were cut down to the part-timers bare minimum. Talk about a slap in the face. It’s been so long since I have worked part time, but working rock bottom hours per week really hurts. I’m a worker and always have been. I am the one who is always willing to go above and beyond and is there until the day’s work is completed. I had no choice but to find another job. My last one was tearing me apart…literally. I’m very grateful for my job and I have made wonderful friendships, but full time could not come sooner. 

I feel like I have wasted away my prime years, considering I am in the final year of my twenties. There are so many things that I had hoped to accomplish during the last decade. I know that I can still achieve those goals, it just feels differently to me know. I’m settled into a certain field of work and well, settled into the lifestyle I am currently in. It is like I have this other person deep inside of me who wants out. She wants to do the things that have always been on the back of my mind. I guess I have allowed the anxiety and depression to cripple me to the point of thinking what’s the use. Instead of fighting for what I want out of life, I have allowed those haters to dictate my lifestyle. The bad thing is that I allowed it all to happen. Now, I am reaping what I sowed. It is how the circle of life works. Nothing comes easy, especially when you are allowing others in to destroy your dreams. As I sit here writing this, I am thinking that I wish I had had pushed myself to continue to write, even if it meant getting out a few words a week. Instead, I pushed the computer to the side and said that I can’t do it. I spent so much time trying to write what I thought others wanted to read, that I forgot why I loved to write in the beginning. I write to get my thoughts out and share them with whoever is interested in reading it. I’m more of an inspirational, true story type of writer, with the only hope of inspiring others to not give up on what they want to do. All while I was pushing my story in hopes of helping others, I was on this end giving up on myself. I kept thinking who am I kidding? I still think that. I get the notion to write periodically and while I have the inspiration, I take advantage of it.

I want to think that there is still the person inside of me who will fight to get to where I want to be. It’s so hard to find yourself in such a mixed up world. We are pulled in so many different directions, whether it is by our peers, family, media, or society in itself. We live in a world where our chances keep getting slimmer. However, if you look deep within yourself, there is always that shimmer of hope waiting to shine bright. You just have to give yourself that chance. I am not only speaking for others, but also for myself. We have to learn to forget what the world thinks and just go for whatever it is that we want. It’s kind of like Whitesnake’s “Here I Go Again”…I don’t know where I’m going, but I sure know where I’ve been! Is that not true? We just need to look back on our past decisions or mistakes, learn from them and move on. I can reassure you all of one thing…YOU ARE NOT WALKING ALONE!

I may not know what direction I’m headed in, but I still have high hopes that I am being led exactly to where I need to be. My story isn’t over, but a new chapter will be established very soon. So, stay tuned…

Isaiah 41:10-

Fear not, for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.

Blessings to all…

Remember to always keep your smile, no day is complete without it!

Questions…

The most recent question that I have asked myself is, “Are things going to get better?” It has been a stormy month and quite honestly, I’m worn down. I often wonder what it is like to feel ‘normal’. Granted, I believe it is safe to say that each one of us have our own interpretation of what normal really is. I feel, in fact, that there is no real normalcy. Better said, how does one become physically and mentally content? For the last two years, I have seen several doctors, been placed on a multitude of medications, meditated, practiced ‘some’ yoga, and have prayed for some type of release or direction in regards to feeling better. With that being said, I am still feeling both mentally and physically out of sorts. Recently, I have taken some measures to better my thought process; such as, deactivating Facebook and Twitter. Decreasing the negativity of social media has made a surprisingly substantial difference. I changed my number about a month ago to rid of some negative people and have been very selective with who has the information now. Depression is such an ugly monster that rears its head out of nowhere. I’m finding that making moderate changes in every area of my life is crucial to my healing process. Even though I’m relying on this doctor to pinpoint a more The most recent question that I have asked myself is, “Are things going to get better?” It has been a stormy month and quite honestly, I’m worn down. I often wonder what it is like to feel ‘normal’. Granted, I believe it is safe to say that each one of us have our own interpretation of what normal really is. I feel, in fact, that there is no real normalcy. Better said, how does one become physically and mentally content? For the last two years, I have seen several doctors, been placed on a multitude of medications, meditated, practiced ‘some’ yoga, and have prayed for some type of release or direction in regards to feeling better. With that being said, I am still feeling both mentally and physically out of sorts. Recently, I have taken some measures to better my thought process; such as, deactivating Facebook and Twitter. Decreasing the negativity of social media has made a surprisingly substantial difference. I changed my number about a month ago to rid of some negative people and have been very selective with who has the information now. Depression is such an ugly monster that rears its head out of nowhere. I’m finding that making moderate changes in every area of my life is crucial to my healing process. Even though I’m relying on my doctors to pinpoint a more accurate diagnosis, I’m becoming much more focused on my relationship with God and feel that he is the best ‘doctor’ I can have. I feel like I have failed him in so many ways, yet he continues to love me and keep me afloat. The next question that I ask is this, “Why is it so hard to make a solid commitment with God?”

Proverbs 3:5-8 states: Trust in The Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear The Lord, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.

God wants his people to live a spiritually prosperous life, one to celebrate and live with peace. However, should we choose to continue living from our own selfish perspective, He will show us that we are not fulfilling his expectations and in turn we will live a life of discontentment. Push will come to shove and God will place obstacles before us, in hopes that it will open our eyes to the real peace and contentment he has to offer. I trust in God’s promises, but tend to stagger when an obstacle appears before me. My problem lies in timing. I am so anxious to feel better and become this changed person, yet easily lose my regard for his timing and how different it is from ours. It’s time that I start appreciating him for blessing me with the health I do have and for the life that I am very fortunate to have, rather than solely acknowledging him for answering specific prayers. If you actually stop to look all around you, every person has a story to tell. Stories of blessings and misfortunes, but it is theirs. I am more aware of other individuals battles since I have been fighting my own. I have seen how cruel people can be over something that is so passionate to another person. I don’t like it when someone tells me that I need to ‘get over’ my problem. You know, I can control it better and it could always be worse. Who am I to judge, especially when I don’t like it when another person criticizes me for what I feel so strongly about. I realize that I can’t expect someone to change their perspective when there are some things that I won’t budge on. We are who we are and that is what makes us individuals. However, when it comes to being plain cruel, I feel that it is something we can change. Why should I be entitled to criticize someone else’s flaws when I most definitely have many of my own? Sorry for passing judgment since I sin differently than the next person. There is so much negativity in this world, I often wonder how a person can make it through the day without someone else critiquing their flaws. Society can be a nightmare.

Following God and his will is a challenge. Religious criticism lurks around everywhere. I am unsure as to why I even wrote this. I guess that I am trying to figure out so many things. It still makes no sense to me…at all. Even though I have so many thoughts and concerns, I know that God will provide me with the answers all in good time.

Blessings to you…

diagnosis, I’m becoming much more focused on my relationship with God. I feel like I have failed him in so many ways, yet he continues to love me and keep me afloat. The next question that I ask is this, “Why is it so hard to make a solid commitment with God?”

Proverbs 3:5-8 states: Trust in The Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear The Lord, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.

God wants his people to live a spiritually prosperous life, one to celebrate and live with peace. However, should we choose to continue living from our own selfish perspective, He will show us that we are not fulfilling his expectations and in turn we will live a life of discontentment. Push will come to shove and God will place obstacles before us, in hopes that it will open our eyes to the real peace and contentment he has to offer. I trust in God’s promises, but tend to stagger when an obstacle appears before me. My problem lies in timing. I am so anxious to feel better and become this changed person, yet easily lose my regard for his timing and how different it is from ours. It’s time that I start appreciating him for blessing me with the health I do have and for the life that I am very fortunate to have, rather than solely acknowledging him for answering specific prayers. If you actually stop to look all around you, every person has a story to tell. Stories of blessings and misfortunes, but it is theirs. I am more aware of other individuals battles since I have been fighting my own. I have seen how cruel people can be over something that is so passionate to another person. I don’t like it when someone tells me that I need to ‘get over’ my problem. You know, I can control it better and it could always be worse. Who am I to judge, especially when I don’t like it when another person criticizes me for what I feel so strongly about. I realize that I can’t expect someone to change their perspective when there are some things that I won’t budge on. We are who we are and that is what makes us individuals. However, when it comes to being plain cruel, I feel that it is something we can change. Why should I be entitled to criticize someone else’s flaws when I most definitely have many of my own? Sorry for passing judgment since I sin differently than the next person. There is so much negativity in this world, I often wonder how a person can make it through the day without someone else critiquing their flaws. Society can be a nightmare.

Following God and his will is a challenge. Religious criticism lurks around everywhere. I am unsure as to why I even wrote this. I guess that I am trying to figure out so many things. It still makes no sense to me…at all. Even though I have so many thoughts and concerns, I know that God will provide me with the answers all in good time.

Blessings to you…

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Transitions…

Hey people!

It has been far too long since I have posted, but I’m hoping that with the recent ‘positive’ changes in my life, I can get back into what I love…which is writing. This post is a little ‘long winded’, but I felt inspired to write about my personal experience.  Sometimes, things we are going through can easily be misconstrued by what others tell us or even how we tend to perceive things. Even though I am still fighting my battle, I continue to see new perspectives along the way.   🙂 I’ve missed you all… Enjoy!

 

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It seems like over the past few months the only thing I have been able to accomplish, as far as writing goes, is staring absently at a blank screen.  Thoughts frequently pop in and out of my mind, but I can’t seem to make enough sense of it to get the words out.  The last couple of weeks; however, have been filled with thoughts, emotions, concerns, fear, disappointment, and lets not forget…transitioning.  Most people who know me know my story, or they have read it on my blog.  After fighting last year’s eating disorder and the normal anxiety/depression, I felt myself becoming stronger.  Every trial presented a new opportunity to stand tall and accomplish what I thought I was to weak to prevail.  It seems, though, that for the last two years it has been trial after trial.  I have been to the point of giving up and throwing away a hard fought battle.  Why?  Every time I am hit with a trial, I feel like I am starting over.  It is almost like I lost every bit of strength I fought for.  I have worked in banking for almost 7 years now (which seems like forever).  The one thing that my illness never took from me was my will to maintain the hard work ethic that I have always worked towards.  My current job (which I am officially resigning from in two days) has been a trial in itself.  I have been an employee with this company for 2 years and 9 months, gradually working myself up to the ideal position that I absolutely loved.  The money is (was) good, hours, allowance for doctor appointments, and it was basically the best job I would probably land in my area.  After several years in this field, I had finally found the job that I considered to be a career.  I’m not getting any younger and am actually at the age to where I should be in my ideal area of work.  Of course, with the ‘perfect’ job come underlying issues that gradually creep out from beneath the realms of hell.  In this case, my coworkers are what crept out from beneath the pit.  From day one, I felt uncertain about these two women.  However, I did take into consideration that the girl who left previously was a close friend to the two, so maybe they were having a hard time adjusting the ‘new’ girl on the block.  It was almost like being in high school again.  I do not wish to relive those days either.  After about 6 months, I felt more comfortable and the conversation began to pick up a little.  I’m always shy in the beginning until I get to know others, so I am sure some of the ‘lack’ of talking was on my end as well.  The one thing that always bothered me about the two was the fact that they were always huddling together and whispering about whatever.  After a while, it began to bother me.  It made the atmosphere very uncomfortable.  I am sure that I am not the only one who would think that.  During my time of employment, they were always very shady.  There were spells when they wouldn’t speak to me at all, completely isolating me.  In fact, most of my time was spent in isolation.  They would randomly accuse me of things, belittle me, humiliate, ostracize; however you want to put it.  For some reason, they did not like me.  Point. Blank. Period.  On several occasions I would go to my boss for advice.  She would always say to let it pass, they have their own issues, it probably isn’t personal, etc.  In other words, she didn’t want to deal with it, especially when one was her ‘precious’.  In my manager’s eyes, she had so many personal issues that it probably showed in her mannerism unintentionally.  Ok, sure.  During this time, I have developed high blood pressure, other minor cardiac concerns, severe anxiety that brings on panic attacks, and of course, depression.  I’ve always dealt with insecurities, since I can remember.  The one thing that I never had a problem with was eating.  I never considered myself overweight or had any thoughts of wanting to lose weight.  Yea, I am a typical female who wants to maintain a decent figure, but nothing has every triggered me to want to obsessively lose weight.  For a year, I blamed the anorexia on my insecurities.  Oh, I wasn’t pretty enough, good enough, felt like a lost cause, so I decided that I was fat and needed to lose weight too.  Although this is what I said on the surface, deep inside I felt this it was something other than how I felt about myself internally.  If that were the case, then why did I not have any issues throughout high school or even in my early 20s?  I am a happily married woman with a wonderful husband who has always complimented me and supported my decisions.  It wasn’t until about a month ago, while I was talking with my therapist, a thought came to mind.  I didn’t bother saying anything to her because I needed to really think on it.  I needed to make sure that it seemed rational and not like it was something that I just thought of off of the top of my head.  Yes, I have a tendency to come up with some crazy thoughts. J  Everything had been going so well.  I had come a long way from where I was a year ago.  My thoughts have been positive, I have become more like the person I used to be, and I have also gained back 20 pounds of the 32 I lost.  That is accomplishment!  Lately; however, I feel like I have been taking 10 steps back.  My attitude has been decreasing and my thoughts have been more negative.  It was almost like I was regressing.  I couldn’t figure out why.  That is when I remembered the thought that struck me in therapy.  Work.  Things have been going downhill at work, once again.  Yes, things have been going on that has been stressors on all of us employed there, but I kept going back to the idea that it was my job. Was I unhappy with my position? No. We were just slammed by Federal Examiners, which, of course added a lot of negativity and attitude. My boss decided that she wanted the board members to announce that she would be retiring at the end of the year, all while she took the week off to go to Pennsylvania.  Plus, in the same meeting, my Assistant Manager found out that he would be competing with other applicants for the Management position (all the while he had been told for 4 years that the job was his). So, yea, there is a lot of drama going on in our little office. Within two days, the two culprits (as I like to call them) decided they wanted to start a war with me (again), over calling the President of our Board with some questions due to the upcoming changes.  They did not like that one bit.  In fact, I wondered how they knew I called him to begin with. Come to find out, one of them overheard me on the phone and decided to stand outside of the door to listen and afterwards went to nark on me.  After a day of not speaking to me, I figured something was up, but it didn’t dawn on me that they knew that I had made that phone call.  It had nothing to do with them, but just as I said, I had a few questions regarding the changes.  I am a very inquisitive person and never miss an opportunity to ask a question if I need help or have a concern.  I am not one to turn on my coworkers and tattle about every little thing that actually went on in that office.  I guess that is the advantage to both managers offices being in the back of the building…they have no idea what goes on up front.  Although I know a few things that I could have gotten them fried for, I chose to keep quiet. It wasn’t my business to begin with.  They knew that I never felt comfortable with the whispering and gossiping that went on, because on several occasions, we had it out.  I guess that is why they never really liked me. I was not like them and chose not to get involved in their little ‘click’.  They couldn’t stand it and they wanted me out.  I did realize that they knew of my phone conversation, so I decided to step up to apologize (for absolutely nothing) and tell them that I only had legitimate concerns about my position and what type of changes do they expect will take place in the near future. I wanted to say it is who I am…get over it and yourselves!  Before I get “I’m sorry” out of my mouth, my Member Service SUPERVISOR went off.  She told me that I disgusted her and everyone in the office, that my manager didn’t feed into my pity and that no one likes me.  She didn’t want to hear another word I had to say, nor did she want me talking to her again.  The only thing I remember was ‘wow’, I couldn’t believe she just lit into me like that without giving me a chance to speak the first word. So, I said ok and walked back to my office.  It took about 10 minutes to set in before I felt the panic attack coming on.  Luckily, my husband was on duty and he called at the right time.  Before I could get the entire story out, he was up there with me trying to get me calmed down.  As I told my doctor, I felt like this was the breakdown that everyone kept saying I was going to end up having.  It was by far one of the worst panic attacks I had ever taken.  My husband walked back to my manager’s office and tried to explain to her what was going on and once again she blew it off like it was dust in the wind.  It would eventually blow over.  I have been hearing this same jargon for 2 years.  Enough was enough.  I took the remainder of the day off and instantly started searching for another job. Let me rewind a bit to say that I had resumes on me where I had been mailing out to random banks in the area.  I, of course, had to go to the doctor due to my episode.  They have been concerned over a slight murmur on my heart and my doctor placed me on leave. My therapist also coincided with her decision and put me off for two weeks. The day after I left my place of employment (September 30th) I had an interview with a local bank (much closer to my house) at 10 am and at 4:30 pm I was offered the job.  Sunday (the 29th), I dropped to my knees before bed and prayed for God to lift this stress off of me.  I was tired of fighting and having to dread going into work every single day.  I turned everything over to Him and within two days, my prayer was answered.  I did; however, take a few days to decide that it was what I wanted to do.  I loved my job and my members.  It was the perfect position because I was more behind the scenes, but still had customer interaction.  The final decision comes down to my health and wellbeing.  Both of my physicians and therapist agreed that it was a very unstable, unhealthy environment for me to be in, and they also warned me of the consequences of my health should I continue to work there.  I no longer want to feel or be sick.  I want to eventually be off of my medication and not have to worry about the stress on my heart or my life. I have a family to think of and a future. I won’t have a future if I continue to place myself in those kinds of situations. I won’t have a future at all if I allow it to take my life. Money and the ideal title do not matter when it comes down to your health. It took me too long to realize that.  So, in two days, on October 15, 2013, I officially turn in my resignation and also begin a new chapter in my life.  I am ashamed to say that I have spent the last two weeks beating myself up for not being strong enough to deal with the issues, but the real truth is that I am being strong for not allowing myself to go through it anymore. Sure, I took a hit on pay and hours (because for now it is a part time with a minimum of 30 hours per week) and a few more little perks (that you don’t normally find anywhere, anyways). I’ve cried and questioned my decision and if it is worth it financially.  You know, within the last week, I have read devotions that have been targeted directly at what I am going through.  God has this and I know He won’t fail me. He has never failed me or my family and shame on me for doubting Him. Change is scary. I believe it is scary for most people, but it is also an opportunity to start fresh and be open minded to the idea that you never really know what opportunities lie ahead.  Just remember…if God closes one door, he is only opening a new one filled with a new journey and opportunity. 

 

As my journey comes to end, so begins a new adventure…

A Not So Beautiful Mind

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I am tired. Point. Blank. Period.  The last couple of weeks have been trying.  I keep replaying in my mind various reasons as to why I suffer the way I do.  At the end of the day, I continue to find myself pondering on that idea.  I am at the point to where the only thing I can really say is…I’m tired of the struggle.  The highs and lows have been absolutely unbearable lately.  I’ve managed to rack up quite a credit card balance due to the ‘lovely lows’.  The bad thing about where my job is located, the mall is about five minutes down the road.  Of course, if I am having one of those days I head straight towards the shopping.  Another thing about the lows is how I suddenly decide not to trust anyone.  It is like everyone is suddenly against me and I want nothing to do with them.  The bad thing about that is the fact that I really don’t trust anyone, at all!  I’d rather be left completely alone than to have to face some of these people.  It is unfortunate that I have no choice in facing these lovely people throughout the week.  Anyways, you can imagine how bad the paranoia is, especially when I am battling the ‘lows’.

I love it when the ‘highs’ decide to step in to SAVE THE DAY.  For real, I literally feel like I am top of the world.  There is absolutely nothing that can get me down.  I am like this flaming ball of sunshine, ready to burn anyone in my way.  I can’t be stopped!  Shew…that was exhilarating just by typing.  Even though I still continue with the whole trust issue, I am able to overlook it much more than when I am experiencing a low point.  A highly uncomfortable situation for myself is when I experience both high and low in one day.  Wow!  I am blindsided when that happens.  It brings about such an unsettling feeling.

My mind continually races with thoughts and ideas.  Making a decision is the worst, for I am too scattered to properly sort the choices to make a good choice.  Vacation is only three weeks out, but trying to decide on where to stay is so overwhelming.  Each time I go online to search for a place to rest our heads, I have to move on to something different because I can’t process the many places to choose from.  It is so aggravating and hard on my daily life.  If I am battling one of my low days, you can bet that I can’t even turn the computer on.  I work well with repetition, as long as something falls into my normal routine, I am just ok.  In fact, I have to keep myself focused on whatever, simply because I fall victim to my various thoughts and tend to crash from overload.

I flit from different interests and ideas, likes, wants, goals, but rarely see anything through.  I get bored with a thought before I even get started; therefore, leading myself onto the next big thing.  Until I find a way to sort things out, I’ve come to the glum conclusion that it is what it is, it is who I am, and there is nothing to about until the light appears at the end of the tunnel.  I am tired…very tired.  However, I am a fighter and refuse to give up.  I’m choosing to seek beauty through scattered eyes and a not so beautiful mind.  Why?  Because it is a part of who I am and I find it to be unusually beautiful.  I am perfectly imperfect.

Labeled…

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If I am silent, it doesn’t mean that there is something wrong.  I feel like this is something that I have repeated over and over again… 

Last week, I had one of those days where I needed a good cry.  During the weeping fest, someone of the nosey nature walked by and noticed the tears flowing down my face.  This individual quickly asked my what was wrong, but before I could answer, the most aggravating question came flowing out of their mouth.  “Oh, is it mental?”  Seriously!  I felt a rush of heat run over my face.  I can’t believe that was the only thing this person could think to ask!  In the nicest manner, I replied… NO, I am just having one of those days! It was then that I realized I am LABELED. 

It really burns me when people assume they know what is going on. Yes, last year was hard, but what happened to me does not define who I am. If anything, I am a better person today because of my struggles.  People have become so self-absorbed and judgmental that they can’t see past everyone else’s flaws in order to correct their own.  Imagine how much happier people could be if they would just let go and be happy with how everything already is.  We live in a society where everything needs to be changed in some way, shape, or form.

Why can’t people just accept us for our individuality and leave it at that?  Of course, that would only happen in a perfect world.  There are some days where I walk around feeling completely numb, but I maintain a smile because I don’t want to hear the assumptions.  I would almost prefer to walk around with a sign attached to me saying: “Yes, I have a mental disorder. No, it does not define me!”  It is as simple as that. 

It seems that each of us have a label of some sort.  We can’t escape others opinions.  I could almost change my name to ‘depressed’ or ‘eating disorder’, mainly because that is how I am referenced now.  What people don’t understand is the fact that most of us are the same as we were before, but even stronger.  I can honestly say that my disorder has opened my eyes to many new perspectives and because of that I feel like I am a better person today.

We need to think before we begin to label someone.  The question that I ask myself is, “do I really know their story?”  We all have problems and issues alike; why not use a little compassion?  There are times, however, when I have a hard time with sympathy.  Some people are so hard that you can’t break down a wall to even get a peek at who they really are.  The more I let that thought process through my mind; I am coming to the realization that I am that person!

Even though I still have complete compassion and am willing to contribute help to others, I have a mound of trust issues.  Labeling gives one a sense of rejection, as if I weren’t already a scar of society.  It is hard to go about my day when I feel like negativity lurks around every corner.  It brings on a feeling of trepidation.  I have built a solid wall to escape from the cruelty of others.  Perseverance and faith in God will eventually allow me to tear down the wall of distrust, opening a world of relief.  Until then, I can only strive to continue being ‘who I want to be’. 

Don’t allow a ‘label’ to define how you express your individuality.  If you do so, you will be among the mix of drones that choose not to see life creatively.  Today, I am making the decision to embrace the labeling and prove to others that they have no control over my life!  Love your ‘uniqueness’ and stay true to a beautiful you…

 

 

 

 

 

Ch-ch-ch-changes!

I spent the last couple of days upstate. It was the 77th Annual Meeting of West Virginia’s Credit Unions. I am privileged to be a part of such an amazing group of individuals who feel strongly about their occupations. The focus point of the meeting highlighted ’change’. Change is inevitable; therefore, we should learn to embrace it. I felt a strong sense of hope within me while sitting in yesterday’s afternoon session. Jeff Tobe, Speaker and Author of ‘Coloring Outside the Lines’ encouraged us to live outside of the box! It is so easy to get caught up in the repetitious, hum-drum of life, that we easily forget how to ’live’. We lose our creativity. Even though we get stuck in a rut, it doesn’t mean that we can’t change that. Old habits may be hard to break, but it is not impossible. Following the session, various thoughts filtered through my mind as I considered ways that I can incorporate change into my life. I feel that a big factor in depression is not allowing yourself to think outside of the box. Enforcing positive lifestyle changes are crucial to self-preservation. Mental well-being is just as important as physically balanced. Imagine how empowering it feel to let go and embrace change.
I’ve always been one to seek change, yet I don’t follow through with it. The idea sounds better than actually enforcing it. Agree? I feel that we disregard the importance of change. This weekend was filled with little changes for myself…
I normally stay to myself, speaking only when I have to. I’m always sure to be friendly, without coming off a being standoffish. I generally freeze up in crowds. So, in a real effort to embrace change, I made a point to mingle and introduce myself to as people as I could. With that, I met several amazing people and made a new friend! That brings truth to the saying, “you never know what you can do until you try”.
I also familiarized myself with the surroundings, taking in the beauty of the Mononghalia river and admiring the freshly bloomed dogwoods. I rarely take the time to enjoy the outside.
I allow myself to live in one big stress bubble, worrying about this,that, and what others think. I always ask,’why do I continue to worry about things I cannot control?’ Bottom line: that is how I am wired! Each of us handle situations differently. In order to fix a problem, there must be a plan of change.
I hope to make some much-needed changes so that I can thoroughly life. You can too! All you need to do is put one foot in front of the other and do something!

Know your worth and strength…stay true to a beautiful you!

Stay True to a Beautiful You!!

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Stay true to a beautiful you… this is a phrase that I now live by.  Whether I am writing, out and about, working, or just by myself, I use this phrase in every area of my life and to bring inspiration to others.  Until last year, I did not realize the importance of actually being happy with myself.  At the end of the day, the one person that matters is YOU.  I had become so obsessed with the idea of being a completely different individual.  After several months of continually changing different features of myself, it had developed into an illness.  Even though, in the beginning, I did not see the negative affects that it has brought on; everyone else on the outside had been watching me shrivel away to almost nothing.  I had gone months without seeing how bad I looked.  No- I refused to see how I really looked!  It was a very dark time for me. 

Once the therapy had kicked in and I was able to apply the coping techniques to my daily life, it was like the skies had opened up and a whole new perspective came to light.  The entire time, I led myself to believe that how you look and what you do defines who you are.  Oh, I was so wrong!  Personal happiness lies within us.  There is not one person or material item that can give that to an individual.

The first step in my road to happiness was…

I had to accept myself for the person I am, appearance and all.  It was probably the hardest thing for me to do considering I have always suffered from major insecurities.

Secondly…

I distanced myself from anything that could have brought about negative feelings.  Of course, there are times when I am subjected to things that I consider being ‘off-limits’, but I now have the control to not let it influence me.

Third…

I developed patience.  It takes time to get back on your feet.  After months of practicing moderation and patience, I have learned to live more peacefully.

What about the bad days, you say?

Well, even though the ‘bad’ days have decreased, there are still times when those negative feelings will surface.  I have decided to take those days for what they are.  It is a test.  Feelings of discouragement, doubt, fear, and worthlessness try to take over, but I know (in the back of my mind) that it isn’t true.  Satan is trying to set me up for another disaster.  I refuse to let him win! 

God wants us to become stronger through our struggles; therefore, I feel that he will occasionally test us on how well we will handle certain situations.  I have recently started working out again.  Of course, the fear of falling into the same trap lingers throughout my mind.  However, I have to prove to myself that I can do this without taking it too far.  It is proven that healthy eating and exercise is not only good for your physical health, but also for mental health, as well.  I have strayed from any physical fitness for over a year, due to the fact that I am scared of allowing myself to be consumed by weight loss.  With moderation, though, I am working towards beating odds for someone who has a history with an eating disorder.  If I begin to feel like I may go overboard, I will simply not worry with it until those feelings diminish.

I am so grateful to have been given a second chance to see life in a new perspective.  Our individuality is what defines us and makes us who we are.  God intended our uniqueness to be embraced, not disgraced! 

I’m lucky to have compassion for others, a quirky and random personality, a heart full of love, four-foot-eleven height, big brown eyes, and everything else that makes me who I am!  No longer do I see myself for what needs to be changed, but rather for the good qualities that shine brighter than any negativity.

Stop allowing ‘flaws’ to dictate how you see yourself and stay true to a beautiful you!!

 

 

They…

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They see a girl whose quiet nature is offensive.

She doesn’t understand their motive.

Her heart is pure, filled with compassion and the need to fit in.

They speak low amongst themselves and never let her know of their thoughts.

 

They do not know of her beautiful soul, nor do they care.

She prays they will open up their eyes to her innocence.

Her heart hurts and her smile is broken, yet no one can tell.

They do not wish to know her story.

Her wounds are not visible to the naked eye; however, on the inside she is torn.

 

She awakes each day to a world of uncertainty, never losing hope.

Her dreams are not shattered, but kept beneath the fear of failure.

They look at her as if she were a disease, gradually worsening.

She imagines the day when they see her good nature, welcoming her with open arms.

Those thoughts seem so surreal.

 

Her prayers are focused on the strength to move forward, to not let their words continue to hurt.

At the end of the day, they do not matter.  They have no impact on her spirit.

She feels the burden lifting, her smile mending.

Looking to the sky, she takes in the relief and knows that it will all be ok.

 

They do not know of her power to prevail.

God is getting her there…

 

Stay strong and stay true to a beautiful you.