It has been far too long since I have posted, but I’m hoping that with the recent ‘positive’ changes in my life, I can get back into what I love…which is writing. This post is a little ‘long winded’, but I felt inspired to write about my personal experience. Sometimes, things we are going through can easily be misconstrued by what others tell us or even how we tend to perceive things. Even though I am still fighting my battle, I continue to see new perspectives along the way. 🙂 I’ve missed you all… Enjoy!
It seems like over the past few months the only thing I have been able to accomplish, as far as writing goes, is staring absently at a blank screen. Thoughts frequently pop in and out of my mind, but I can’t seem to make enough sense of it to get the words out. The last couple of weeks; however, have been filled with thoughts, emotions, concerns, fear, disappointment, and lets not forget…transitioning. Most people who know me know my story, or they have read it on my blog. After fighting last year’s eating disorder and the normal anxiety/depression, I felt myself becoming stronger. Every trial presented a new opportunity to stand tall and accomplish what I thought I was to weak to prevail. It seems, though, that for the last two years it has been trial after trial. I have been to the point of giving up and throwing away a hard fought battle. Why? Every time I am hit with a trial, I feel like I am starting over. It is almost like I lost every bit of strength I fought for. I have worked in banking for almost 7 years now (which seems like forever). The one thing that my illness never took from me was my will to maintain the hard work ethic that I have always worked towards. My current job (which I am officially resigning from in two days) has been a trial in itself. I have been an employee with this company for 2 years and 9 months, gradually working myself up to the ideal position that I absolutely loved. The money is (was) good, hours, allowance for doctor appointments, and it was basically the best job I would probably land in my area. After several years in this field, I had finally found the job that I considered to be a career. I’m not getting any younger and am actually at the age to where I should be in my ideal area of work. Of course, with the ‘perfect’ job come underlying issues that gradually creep out from beneath the realms of hell. In this case, my coworkers are what crept out from beneath the pit. From day one, I felt uncertain about these two women. However, I did take into consideration that the girl who left previously was a close friend to the two, so maybe they were having a hard time adjusting the ‘new’ girl on the block. It was almost like being in high school again. I do not wish to relive those days either. After about 6 months, I felt more comfortable and the conversation began to pick up a little. I’m always shy in the beginning until I get to know others, so I am sure some of the ‘lack’ of talking was on my end as well. The one thing that always bothered me about the two was the fact that they were always huddling together and whispering about whatever. After a while, it began to bother me. It made the atmosphere very uncomfortable. I am sure that I am not the only one who would think that. During my time of employment, they were always very shady. There were spells when they wouldn’t speak to me at all, completely isolating me. In fact, most of my time was spent in isolation. They would randomly accuse me of things, belittle me, humiliate, ostracize; however you want to put it. For some reason, they did not like me. Point. Blank. Period. On several occasions I would go to my boss for advice. She would always say to let it pass, they have their own issues, it probably isn’t personal, etc. In other words, she didn’t want to deal with it, especially when one was her ‘precious’. In my manager’s eyes, she had so many personal issues that it probably showed in her mannerism unintentionally. Ok, sure. During this time, I have developed high blood pressure, other minor cardiac concerns, severe anxiety that brings on panic attacks, and of course, depression. I’ve always dealt with insecurities, since I can remember. The one thing that I never had a problem with was eating. I never considered myself overweight or had any thoughts of wanting to lose weight. Yea, I am a typical female who wants to maintain a decent figure, but nothing has every triggered me to want to obsessively lose weight. For a year, I blamed the anorexia on my insecurities. Oh, I wasn’t pretty enough, good enough, felt like a lost cause, so I decided that I was fat and needed to lose weight too. Although this is what I said on the surface, deep inside I felt this it was something other than how I felt about myself internally. If that were the case, then why did I not have any issues throughout high school or even in my early 20s? I am a happily married woman with a wonderful husband who has always complimented me and supported my decisions. It wasn’t until about a month ago, while I was talking with my therapist, a thought came to mind. I didn’t bother saying anything to her because I needed to really think on it. I needed to make sure that it seemed rational and not like it was something that I just thought of off of the top of my head. Yes, I have a tendency to come up with some crazy thoughts. J Everything had been going so well. I had come a long way from where I was a year ago. My thoughts have been positive, I have become more like the person I used to be, and I have also gained back 20 pounds of the 32 I lost. That is accomplishment! Lately; however, I feel like I have been taking 10 steps back. My attitude has been decreasing and my thoughts have been more negative. It was almost like I was regressing. I couldn’t figure out why. That is when I remembered the thought that struck me in therapy. Work. Things have been going downhill at work, once again. Yes, things have been going on that has been stressors on all of us employed there, but I kept going back to the idea that it was my job. Was I unhappy with my position? No. We were just slammed by Federal Examiners, which, of course added a lot of negativity and attitude. My boss decided that she wanted the board members to announce that she would be retiring at the end of the year, all while she took the week off to go to Pennsylvania. Plus, in the same meeting, my Assistant Manager found out that he would be competing with other applicants for the Management position (all the while he had been told for 4 years that the job was his). So, yea, there is a lot of drama going on in our little office. Within two days, the two culprits (as I like to call them) decided they wanted to start a war with me (again), over calling the President of our Board with some questions due to the upcoming changes. They did not like that one bit. In fact, I wondered how they knew I called him to begin with. Come to find out, one of them overheard me on the phone and decided to stand outside of the door to listen and afterwards went to nark on me. After a day of not speaking to me, I figured something was up, but it didn’t dawn on me that they knew that I had made that phone call. It had nothing to do with them, but just as I said, I had a few questions regarding the changes. I am a very inquisitive person and never miss an opportunity to ask a question if I need help or have a concern. I am not one to turn on my coworkers and tattle about every little thing that actually went on in that office. I guess that is the advantage to both managers offices being in the back of the building…they have no idea what goes on up front. Although I know a few things that I could have gotten them fried for, I chose to keep quiet. It wasn’t my business to begin with. They knew that I never felt comfortable with the whispering and gossiping that went on, because on several occasions, we had it out. I guess that is why they never really liked me. I was not like them and chose not to get involved in their little ‘click’. They couldn’t stand it and they wanted me out. I did realize that they knew of my phone conversation, so I decided to step up to apologize (for absolutely nothing) and tell them that I only had legitimate concerns about my position and what type of changes do they expect will take place in the near future. I wanted to say it is who I am…get over it and yourselves! Before I get “I’m sorry” out of my mouth, my Member Service SUPERVISOR went off. She told me that I disgusted her and everyone in the office, that my manager didn’t feed into my pity and that no one likes me. She didn’t want to hear another word I had to say, nor did she want me talking to her again. The only thing I remember was ‘wow’, I couldn’t believe she just lit into me like that without giving me a chance to speak the first word. So, I said ok and walked back to my office. It took about 10 minutes to set in before I felt the panic attack coming on. Luckily, my husband was on duty and he called at the right time. Before I could get the entire story out, he was up there with me trying to get me calmed down. As I told my doctor, I felt like this was the breakdown that everyone kept saying I was going to end up having. It was by far one of the worst panic attacks I had ever taken. My husband walked back to my manager’s office and tried to explain to her what was going on and once again she blew it off like it was dust in the wind. It would eventually blow over. I have been hearing this same jargon for 2 years. Enough was enough. I took the remainder of the day off and instantly started searching for another job. Let me rewind a bit to say that I had resumes on me where I had been mailing out to random banks in the area. I, of course, had to go to the doctor due to my episode. They have been concerned over a slight murmur on my heart and my doctor placed me on leave. My therapist also coincided with her decision and put me off for two weeks. The day after I left my place of employment (September 30th) I had an interview with a local bank (much closer to my house) at 10 am and at 4:30 pm I was offered the job. Sunday (the 29th), I dropped to my knees before bed and prayed for God to lift this stress off of me. I was tired of fighting and having to dread going into work every single day. I turned everything over to Him and within two days, my prayer was answered. I did; however, take a few days to decide that it was what I wanted to do. I loved my job and my members. It was the perfect position because I was more behind the scenes, but still had customer interaction. The final decision comes down to my health and wellbeing. Both of my physicians and therapist agreed that it was a very unstable, unhealthy environment for me to be in, and they also warned me of the consequences of my health should I continue to work there. I no longer want to feel or be sick. I want to eventually be off of my medication and not have to worry about the stress on my heart or my life. I have a family to think of and a future. I won’t have a future if I continue to place myself in those kinds of situations. I won’t have a future at all if I allow it to take my life. Money and the ideal title do not matter when it comes down to your health. It took me too long to realize that. So, in two days, on October 15, 2013, I officially turn in my resignation and also begin a new chapter in my life. I am ashamed to say that I have spent the last two weeks beating myself up for not being strong enough to deal with the issues, but the real truth is that I am being strong for not allowing myself to go through it anymore. Sure, I took a hit on pay and hours (because for now it is a part time with a minimum of 30 hours per week) and a few more little perks (that you don’t normally find anywhere, anyways). I’ve cried and questioned my decision and if it is worth it financially. You know, within the last week, I have read devotions that have been targeted directly at what I am going through. God has this and I know He won’t fail me. He has never failed me or my family and shame on me for doubting Him. Change is scary. I believe it is scary for most people, but it is also an opportunity to start fresh and be open minded to the idea that you never really know what opportunities lie ahead. Just remember…if God closes one door, he is only opening a new one filled with a new journey and opportunity.
As my journey comes to end, so begins a new adventure…